BY : Lois Pechony
2000©
To Nicole and Eran - like Taylor and Maria clenched to each other for staying on the surface and not drown in the ocean of tears, we did it too... Thankyou. My soul reaches out to you.
CHAPTER ONE
"Now it's gone and it's over, and I am all alone..." Zac was singing in my headphones. Lucy. How long it has been? Middle of Nowhere, yes, we recorded it in ninety-seven. Seems like light years. "And no one will ever replace..." the song was playing on and on, but I couldn't listen to it any longer. I took the CD out of my CD player and threw it to the wall. It hit the wall and fell to the floor, no longer a nice, orange CD but a few pieces. It could symbolize something.
It was our dream, once, this CD. It was a dream that came true. But now, as it was lying on the floor in the shape of pieces, it could symbolize the way I was feeling. It used to be a CD - now it was a broken CD, nothing worthy. It used to be a dream - it was a shattered dream now. It hurts, realizing it. I stared blankly at those pieces of our dream. I was feeling as if those pieces were inside my chest, stabbing me, choking my breath. Then I got up to pick them up before Ike and Zac will get back to the room. I thought I will throw them to the trash can, but as my hand was near it, I couldn't do it. Suddenly, I started crying. I knew exactly what I was crying about. And it didn't surprise me, even that I was eighteen, and even that I was Hanson, and as Zac said jokingly, "Hanson men don't cry".
I knew I had to get out of the house before Mom will see me like this, tears all over my face and pieces of the Middle Of Nowhere CD in my hand. She would start talking about it, and that was the last thing I needed. I needed to be alone for a while, I had to figure out what I am doing with my life now that it is over, how I am going to go on with it.
My favorite place in the house is the garage. "Now we are going down to the garage... The world-famous Hanson garage", those words came in my mind in an instant. My Dad said it in our first home video, Tulsa, Tokio and The Middle Of Nowhere. As I remembered those words, I didn't want to go to the garage any more. It would bring up too many memories, and I couldn't handle those now.
I got out of the house and started walking. I put the pieces of the CD in my pocket and they were stabbing my thigh once in a while, but I even didn't notice the pain. I didn't really know where I was going, but then, somehow, I was near the local High school. I never went to this place since I was home-schooled. But now I went inside it and sat on the nearest bench, thanking God that it was Summer break and the place was empty. I wish my mind was empty. I had this whole bunch of thoughts I didn't want to have but also couldn't get rid of them.
I didn't see Ike and Zac this morning, and maybe it was better this way. Maybe it is not fair, but I feel a bit of anger when I think of them. I know it is not their fault. It was all three of us, but they wanted it, and I didn't, and maybe that is the reason that they were calm at yesterday's press-conference, while I was trying to hide the tears, knowing that this press-conference is broadcasting live all over the world. It was so easy for them to talk. Zac even smiled. I think it was a fake smile, like the ones we did sometimes for the press, but he didn't have to smile.
You have a press conference, go out there and announcing to the world, "We decided to stop working together. The band Hanson no longer exist. There are Isaac Hanson, Taylor Hanson and Zachary Hanson, but Hanson, the band, is history." As Isaac was saying this, every word was like a hammer, banging my head. Or like a knife, deep in my heart.
The band Hanson no longer exist. "I guess we all will go solo, maybe not right now, but I know that I will, and as it comes to Taylor and Zachary, I think they will, too." Isaac continued talking, but I wasn't really listening. I knew what was going on outside this place we were holding the press conference in. I knew there were girls, a lot of girls. Crying. I knew that as Isaac was talking, many hearts were breaking. I knew he knew it too, but I couldn't understand, how could he be so calm, knowing that?
"It was a decision made by the three of us. We are complete with it." Well, Ike was complete with it, Zac was, too. I was just pretending, although I hate pretending. I didn't want to make it even harder on the fans, that is why I didn't cry at the press conference. I did, afterwards.
"We want to ask the fans for just one thing - please don't try to hurt yourselves. We are sure don't worth it." Zac knew what he was talking about. He remembered what happened when Take That broke up, even that he was really young when that happened. It was our biggest fear. Then, they continued talking, answering to the reporters, and I just wanted to be over with that. I can't go on and be calm for a long time, when I want to scream and cry.
Ike and Zac were complete with the decision of stopping working together, but I wasn't. I wanted to go on with this whole band thing, even when I saw it is not working anymore, I was in a sort of a denial, trying to work out things, trying to compromise, but we all knew it is the end. They were okay with that. I didn't know how am I going to make it. Yes, I planned to go solo. But... It was always Hanson, the three of us. That is how it succeed. Would Taylor Hanson, all by himself, be a success? I don't have the huge talent that Ike has, although I am talented too; I don't have Zac's charm, although I was the hunk of the band. WAS. It hurts, now that everything that has to do with the band is in the past tense. It used to be only present and future, when past was used only if we were asked about our early years, or, when This Time Around came out, we were asked about Middle of Nowhere. Now everything is past tense.
I stared at the walls of the building. Every High school has some fans in it; that one was no exception. I saw a few things, written on this wall. HANSON IS THE HEAVEN. Whoever wrote this, I feel sorry for her. Her, because it was a girl's handwriting. She is probably feeling lousy now. Her HEAVEN is gone. Hanson are no longer a band, and her heaven broke to three separate pieces.
It wasn't because we were fighting. The crazy rumors could say that I stole Ike's girlfriend and then Zac slept with her and made her pregnant; but a sane person wouldn't believe it. It was because of the music. Over the years, we always agreed on what kind of music we are doing, but then, it all became tougher and tougher to agree on. To the point when we couldn't agree no more. Then we decided to stop the party. The truth is, Ike and Zac decided. I... Since the minute that the words "stop working together" escaped Zac's mouth, I was sitting in the corner of the studio, keeping my mouth shut, realizing that it is the end of the band. I can't try anymore keeping it together, for it will no longer be useful.
I realized that the end is close a long time ago. This Time Around was released, and everything was fine; then we recorded another album, and while were writing it, we already had fights. Everyone of us wanted something else. Ike started to write those deep songs, we couldn't even understand what he was trying to say. They sounded awesome, but they weren't what me and Zac wanted. Zac was into this whole rock thing, I am talking about rock like Limp Bizkit, and those make me sick. I wanted to stay with what we always did. I loved it that way, but the three of us wanted something completely different, and in one point, it became impossible to compromise.
Yes, we are still brothers. Yes, we are going to support each other when we will start sol careers - and we will, that's for sure. Yes, maybe in ten years from now we will have this nostalgic concert, for the memory of the band. How will it look like, ten years from now? Ike is almost twenty-one now; he will be, like thirty. I am going to be twenty-eight. Zac will be almost twenty-six. We all will be married, probably. I know Ike will get married. Maybe he will have kids, when we will have this nostalgic concert. They will be babies, or kindergarten age. Maybe I will marry, too. Zac... Who know about Zac? He is fifteen and a half now. Has he ever dated a girl? I don't really k. That thought scares me for a minute. I don't even know if my younger brother ever dated a girl. We were so busy arguing about the music, I was so deep down in my fear that the band will be history, that I didn't care.
Here we go again, my thoughts keep coming back to the band subject. I was trying to think about something else; that is why I was thinking about whether we would be married ten years from now. It is easier to think about. It even can be amusing. I can't really imagine myself getting married. Then again, I am only eighteen. But... Then again, my parents married when they were nineteen. But who said I have to be like my parents? Anyhow, I don't have a girlfriend, then who am I supposed to marry? Jessica's best friend? Her best friend is only thirteen years old - what am I, insane? I laughed at the thought; then frowned, as I saw another writing on the wall. HANSON ARE THE BEST BAND EVER. Hanson are no longer a band.
I wish I could stop thinking about it. Yesterday, after the press conference, when I was feeling like the sky has fallen on top of me, Jessica showed me something. She gave me a book, hiding its name on the cover, and asked me to read it's last sentence. I read it. "Tomorrow will be a new day." Oh yes, Gone With The Wind. Jess is crazy about that book. Tomorrow will be a new day. Yes, it is right; but nobody ever claimed this new day to be easier to handle. It is even harder. Waking up, Ike and Zac are already awake and out of the room. The first thought is a realizing. Realizing, that the world is not the same now, and so does his life. Hurts, like a stabbing. Then, he heard laughter from downstairs, where the whole family had breakfast. It was Ike's laughter. He was probably doing again an impression of Austin Powers. He did it all through their second home video, Live From Albertane.
Will I stop thinking about things from the Hanson period? Will my memory stop remaining me every detail of it?
I can't think about it. It hurts too much. I didn't want to quit the whole band thing... I feel the tears again. And the pieces of the CD. I take them out of my pocket and put then on the bench, near me. They are like a puzzle, and I try to put them together, to make them in a shape of a CD; but I know it is impossible. Then I know, that when I will go solo, it won't be the same. Not because I will be alone on this stage; because the memories of the band will always be with me. Three separate solos careers instead of one band. It is like this broken CD which I try to not look at. I can glue it, but it won't be the same. Three solo careers. It will never replace one band. I break down and cry. I can't hold it in anymore.
"What is wrong?" it was a girl's voice. I didn't turn to her. I didn't want her to see me crying, for two reasons. One, she can be a fan, and that would hurt her. I didn't want that. Second, no guy wants a girl to see him crying.
"Did you see MTV news yesterday?" I murmured, hoping that she will answer me something, like, 'yes, I did, but I wasn't their fan, actually, they suck and they are a bunch of gays'. I always hated being called gay, but that time I hoped to be called like that.
"Yes... I did," she answered, and I could hear her voice trembling. She wasn't feeling nothing for the band, though. Now I had to deal with a fan, although I couldn't even deal with my own pain. I had to deal with hers, too.
"I am sorry," I said. I still didn't turn to her. And she didn't sit near me, and she didn't see my face, thanks God. I heard a tiny laughter.
"Why do you have to be sorry? It is their decision. I know the reason why they did it, and I respect it. It is not like it was your fault. They decided doing it. And now we have to respect their decision, as much as it may be tough for us." She still didn't see my face, but standing behind me, she wrapped her hand around me, giving me strength with her embrace.
The second I heard her saying 'their decision', I realized that she didn't recognize me. She could, even that she didn't see my face; but she heard my voice. She thinks I am one of the fans, just like her, she thinks I have feelings similar to hers because it was my favorite band. But I am not a fan... I am one of the members... Even not one of the members. You can't be a member of something that don't exist.
She was still embracing me. Still standing behind me. I took her hand in mine and pushed it away. "Oh, I'm sorry," said she quickly. "I don't have the right to do it. You don't even know me."
"That's not that," I answered. Then I turned to her. It was pretty hard to see her face, because she started crying.
God forbid it, I hate it. I hated myself for making her cry, because it was me who made her cry. I knew what she must have been feeling. Ike's ex-girlfriend used to be Take That's fan, and she was pretty okay, watching them announce their break-up, but she told us that once one of them, hell I forgot who it was, once he started crying, she realized the bitter truth. She told us that if he didn't cry, it would be easier.
It was my turn now to embrace her. She cried into my shoulder, holding me like there was no tomorrow, and all I was thinking about is that she is not the only one. Lots of girls, guys maybe too, that woke up to this morning, feeling like I felt a few hours ago, feeling that the world is broken.
"I am sorry," she said, pushing me away and wiping her eyes with her hand. "Like it is not tough on you, I have to force you dealing with my own..."
"It is okay. It is easier dealing with your pain, than dealing with mine." She raised her eyebrows when I said it.
"I thought that you are complete with the decision. Isaac said..."
"Isaac is complete. Zac is complete. Jordan Taylor Hanson wishes he wouldn't woke up this morning and realized that there is no band."
"Don't say it."
"So I won't. But I'll still feel it."
"Feelings are impossible to control."
"Sometimes they are impossible to handle."
"Damn right." She laughs bitterly, but I prefer her laughing that way than crying. "I am Maria. Nice to meet you."
"Talyor." She laughs again.
"I know that. I know a lot about you, in case you forgot, you are world-famous. Magazines post interviews with you. Asking personal questions."
"Oh yeah, girlfriends-kisses-babies-when are you planning to get married-the perfect girl-and so on." Now, I am smiling. She is smiling, too.
"Okay, that's good," she says. "I wanted to make you smile. I can't see you crying. I know it is hard on you, yesterday, but... I don't know, you have to deal with it. After all, what choices you have?"
Her eyes are brown, dark brown, almost black. They are still sparkling because of tears, but she is smiling at me, and I know she will be okay. Maybe it is easier for her, dealing with my pain instead of dealing with hers, just like it is easier for me, dealing with hers.
The whole situation seems kind of weird. Here we are, a member... ex-member of a band... hell, ex-band, and a fan of that ex-band, standing one in front of another, looking each other in the eye, and are not afraid to cry. It is a scene I would never forget, because of its oddness. I remember that once, I used to read a lot of fan-fiction. Some of those were taking place in the future, after the band is over. I always laughed at this, Ike and Zac joining me, how do they know that we will split up? We will always be Hanson. Okay, not always, but at least ten more years. Now, this fan-fiction is suddenly the truth. Now, my life is in this future, when there is Isaac, Taylor and Zac, last name Hanson, musicians, singers, songwriters, but they are three human beings, they are brothers. They are no longer members of a band called Hanson.
"Stop. Stop thinking about it," I hear Maria's voice. She starts to shake my shoulders, repeating this word time and time again. "Stop, Taylor, stop."
"How do you know what I'm thinking about?" I wonder.
"It is written all over your face. And in your eyes." I watched her as she took a small mirror out of her purse and handed it to me. I, personally, couldn't see a thing. My eyes were red, no , I cried a lot. I looked like a zombie.
"I look like a zombie," I said. She nodded her head.
"I look like one, too," she said after checking herself in the mirror. "I shouldn't take it with me," she said, pointing at the mirror. "We both look like something Frankenstein would have created."
It is still weird. We are still standing one in front of another, still looking each other in the eye. But I feel better like this. She makes me feel better. She tries, and she does it. I see it is hard on her. It shows. But she tries anyway. She doesn't seem like a teenybopper. Running into one of those, now, would be a disaster. Those would cry endlessly, holding my hand, telling me that they have no life, now that there is no Hanson, and I would feel like killing myself. Maria is no longer crying.
"This is a lousy morning," she says. "I woke up, and there was my mother, sitting next to my bed, waiting for me to wake up. The moment I did, she started talking about all that. Like, 'Maria, you know that there are other bands, you will get over that', and what the hell she knows when she never was a fan? So I went out. I met you. And now I am feeling better. I don't really know how, because you are Taylor, you know what I mean? Like... You were one of the members, I should be breaking down and crying, but I feel better, sharing my feelings with you."
"Same here."
Again, that smile on her lips. There was that bond between us, since the minute she embraced me, without knowing it is me and not one of the fans. A mental bond, this sharing of the pain. We both were feeling bad because the band was gone. Alone, it would be harder to handle; but together, it was another thing. Together, it was easier. Funny. Us. It was funny, in a certain way.
"Listen, can I call you sometime?" I asked. I couldn't let her go, she was giving me strength, strength I was so in a need of. She had a paper and a pen with her, so she gave me her phone number.
"And now, I have to go. I was on the way to my friend, when I saw you, and decided to see what are you doing here. Usually, there is nobody here at this time of the year."
After saying that, she was gone. I was holding the piece of paper with her number written on it, and then I wondered whether she noticed the CD, pieces of which were still lying on the bench. I took those and went home. They are probably started worrying about me, I didn't leave a note when I left the house.