Oh yeah, they were worried. The minute I stepped into the house, my Mom saw me. I think she was just sitting there, waiting for me to return. She had a worried expression on her face, and I could understand her. She was worried about me. She was worried about the three of us. Don't get me wrong, Ike and Zac weren't heartless creatures, they felt bad too. Yesterday. But today, as I saw, they were fine. I saw Zac watching television and talking on the phone at the same time, I saw Ike, showing a few guitar chords to Mackie. They were calm and peaceful. Am I the only one who feels crappy about that in this house?

I went upstairs to my room. I didn't want to talk to anybody right now. I sat on the floor, wandering through one of those old magazines where there were articles about us, or interviews. We used to collect those. Some of them were always in our room, although they were kept in the garage. But Zac loves to show the funny parts to his friends, so I can always find some under his bed, or on the carpet. This boy does not know what it is, a room that does not have the looks of a place that the World War One was held in. Well, the three of us can relate to that one.

It was an old Smash Hits. The date was May 2000. It was when we released This Time Around. So the whole interview, posted in this issue, was about it. Who would have thought... The interviewer asked us if we ever fight, and I said that we have a few, once in a while, but we always work it out. Back then, there were no problems. Yet. I couldn't go on, reading. I closed the magazine and threw it away.

I took one of Ike's guitars and started playing something. I learned how to play it while we were touring, the Albertane Tour. I am not that good at it, but it's okay. The song I was playing, I didn't know what it was. I never heard it before, but the sounds were coming out of the guitar, and I thought that maybe it something I am making right now. It happens, when you have this certain feeling, you start playing and suddenly, you have this whole melody, and all you have to do is just add lyrics and you have a song. But I knew that if I would write lyrics right now, it would be either depressing, either lousy. It would be just bad. The melody was nice, though. I wrote it down, so I wouldn't forget it.

Then the door opened and Ike came in.

"It was good, what you were playing now," he said.

"Thanks."

"Did you write lyrics to that one?"

"Nope."

"You should."

"I don't want to."

This small conversation wasn't so much of fun. Ike sat beside me and took the guitar out of my hands. Then he held my hand.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked.

"What is there to talk about? You can't expect me being cheerful after yesterday."

"I didn't expect you to be so down, either."

"Well, I didn't expect us to break up after This Time Around."

It was useless, this talk, and somehow, he understood it. We were feeling different things about what happened. I saw it, I knew it, it was so damn obvious. I was alone in this.

"I didn't expect it, Tay. I never would have thought it will happen. But what do you want me to do now?"

"Leave me. Nothing against you or your feelings, but I want to be alone."

"I am your big brother, I am supposed to be there for you."

"Then be there for me later, would you?"

He went out. I sighed. Thanks God, he understood me. But it kind of sucked, knowing that I can't talk to him about it. He wouldn't understand it, since he feels okay with all this. It was also this weird feeling inside me... The way he asked me, 'did you write lyrics to that one?', and when I said that I didn't, he told me that I should. Before yesterday, he would have said, 'do you want me to help you writing it?'. We used to write songs together, and I wondered, will we ever do it again? Probably not. I also wondered, who will be the first one, going solo? Well, maybe it was too early to think about it.

The pieces of the CD, I put them into the closet, under all my underwear. I knew that there they won't be founded. I didn't want any questions about this. Reasonably, I should have thrown it to the trash, like I was going to, a few minutes after I broke it, but I couldn't. My favorite word is 'Weird'; I guess it can describe me.

The piece of paper with Maria's phone number was lying next to where I was sitting. Did Ike see it? Probably not. He was looking me in the eye all the time he was here. I felt an urge to call her. She was, by now, the only person I knew I could talk to about what I was feeling. No, she was the only person who saw what I was feeling, because I didn't know what I was feeling. Somehow, all the feelings mixed up like my hair after the concert, at the time it used to be longer. All nothing but a mess, and it took me a while to comb it, and it also hurt, pulling it. So do now, a big mess inside me, and it would be pretty hard, trying to work it out by myself, trying to understand it all by myself. When my hair was a mess, my Mom used to help me with it. She had a lot of experience with long hair. So do now, I needed someone to help me with the mess inside me; that someone was Maria.

I dialed her number, and then suddenly it hit me - she went to her friend. She maybe not home yet. But it too late now, as the phone was answered.

"Good morning, may I talk to Maria, please?" I said politely. I was expecting this person, who was probably her mother, to say to me that she is at her friend's, but she told me to hold on and after a few minutes Maria picked up the phone.

"I thought you weren't home yet," I told her without even saying 'hi'. Where were my manners gone?

"I didn't go to my friend afterwards. I called him and told him that I don't feel like surfing the Net - that is what we were going to do. He understood."

"Is he your boyfriend?" No, it didn't bother me. I wished he was - he would be the same for her as she was for me; he would give her strength.

"No, he is just a friend. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't feel like having one; especially now. No guy would want to deal with me now, when all I do is trying to pick up my heart after yesterday." She was frank, saying that. Maybe I was her source of strength, too. It felt nice; at least I can help to one of those fans.

"You never know. If this friend of yours is being supportive of you, he might go as your boyfriend."

"Taylor, please don't try to fix me up - especially with him. Besides, he has a girlfriend."

"Then why does he surfs the Net with you?"

"He usually don't. It is just that today I asked him, see, his girlfriend is my best friend so we are friends. I wanted to see how other fans are dealing. I don't have the Internet. So I called him today, and he agreed to that."

"Do you still want to?"

"Kind of. But I already cancelled it with him."

"We can do it together. I want to know, too."

"Then... how?"

"Do you want to come to my place?"

She hesitated for a minute. "What would your parents think?"

"Stuff."

"Well, I don't want them to think 'stuff'."

"Then I can take my laptop to where you want to be."

"Okay. Then, meet me at the High school, exactly where we were sitting this morning. An hour from now, is it okay with you?"

"Yes."

"Then see you." She hang up.

Yes, I wanted to go to their message board and see what is going on there. Hanson.net must be really crowded now. They are probably discussing yesterday. I was glad we made it for the fans, now all of them, all over the world could discuss things. Support each other in that very moment. The thing is, I was pretty much afraid to do it. I remembered things; like the time when there was that rumor that Ike is getting married. Some of the girls were happy, but there were also those posts, 'how am I going to make it, I love him' and I knew that those girls were not teenies, I learned to know them through their posts. I was reading their posts anytime I was surfing, so I knew who was what and what kind of a person. Not a deep knowing of their personalities, but what I knew was enough for me. Anyway, I remembered those posts with sad smilies, those sad girls... Or the time when there was the rumor about Hanson splitting up. It was the worst. Goddamn it, now it's the truth.

I wondered suddenly about Maria's age; I didn't even know why is it bothering me. But in the past few days, since Ike called Mercury and told them to organize a press-conference, none of my feelings suprized me. Maria looked around Zac's age. No older than sixteen, anyhow. I knew I would ask her. In the meantime, I had to go, if I didn't want to be late. Somehow, I avoided my Mom's questions about the place I am going to; since I had my laptop with me, she probably thought I am going to find a quiet place and write something. I used to do that. I was writing lyrics, poems sometimes. Well, I didn't want to do that now.

Maria got there earlier that I did. She was already sitting on the bench, looking for something in her purse, and I looked at her, noticing the fact that she wasn't wearing any make-up. That was nice. Somehow, the only girls I get to see are painted as clowns; maybe not to that point, but I don't like them wearing a lot of that thing. I sat beside her and smiled at her, and she smiled back at me.

"Do you want to sit here, or you have some other place in your mind?" I asked her.

"No. It is okay here. Nobody will see us."

That would probably be better. I mean, if one of us starts crying again, I don't really interested in somebody seeing it. So we sat on the ground while the laptop is on the bench, and it was like we were next to a table so it felt comfortable. She quickly typed www.hanson.net and I stared at the screen, waiting for the list of the topics for General to come up.

Oh dear God, just as we expected. They all, one hundred percent were about yesterday. Usually, even when something big happened in Hanson's world, besides topics on that subject there are always requests for advises, gossip, discussions about pre-marital sex and fan-fictions; it was always giving the feeling that it is not the only thing in this world, what happened with Hanson, it was relaxing in a certain way, calming, even when that thing wasn't good, like a cancelled concert or whatever. Now, when all the topics... No, it was only one topic for today. With something like five thousand replies. Me and Maria were reading it; it was tearing me. It was, as we expected it to be, about what happened, how are the fans going to go on from here. Sharing experiences from yesterday and today. Sharing feelings. We read this whole topic. It took us more than an hour and a half. Then, there was another topic. Fresh one. It said, 'Are you mad with Hanson for doing this?', and the girl who started it said that she wasn't, and she wants other opinions. I didn't want to read it. I was afraid of that. I knew that I can't, just can't read replies like, 'I hate them for doing it to me', or 'I can't really live without them, so...' I mean, I was realistic. Those replies could be true. And if that was the truth, I would rather be lied to. There are a few times in your life when the truth is unbearable - that was one of those.

Maria read it's entire. I took a walk around the bench, walked around it a few times, want to glance at the screen but afraid to. I guess it annoyed Maria, because after a while she told me to either take a walk at another place either sit down, but not spin around her because she's getting dizzy. I sat down, as requested. She finished reading the topic and turned to me.

"Are they mad at us?" I asked quietly.

"A few of them. It's unavoidable. You can't expect not to be mad at someone, who used to play a big role in your life and suddenly they don't want to do it anymore. But basically, they all are supportive."

"It's not like we are going to stop making music and become lawyers."

"But it will also take time until you will be back, anyone of you."

"Well, you can't announce that Hanson are breaking up on Monday and get into the studio to make a solo album the next day. It takes time."

"Taylor, nobody blamed nobody."

"But I still feel guilty."

"Guilty of what?"

"I have no idea."

"Then don't talk about things you don't have an idea about."

The conversation was going nowhere. I was feeling calmed down a bit, after Maria told me that me and my brothers weren't blamed on stuff. I don't really know why I had this feeling of guilt climbing up my chest; maybe it was because of the realization of the fact, how their lives are changed now, that we are not a band any longer. A few years ago, we changed their lives for the better - I know that. They were talking about it on Hanson.net, they were sending letters, they were telling us that. We saved lives, we gave strength, we gave guts to do something. But now, we are not going to do it anymore. Suddenly, all they got from us is no longer going to be given to them. It is kind of a major change, and I don't know how ready they were for it. Maybe, if we were dying slowly, if the process of breaking up wasn't so sudden, if it was taking a few months, they could get used to the idea of no Hanson in this world; but it was like a thunder in a sunny day. You just wake up, go to school, get back home, doing your homework, turn on the TV, and hear it - Hanson are no longer exist. Yesterday, they were present, real, like everything - today, they are history. It's a shock.

It was easier thinking about the fans, then thinking about myself. It didn't hurt so much. I might sound selfish. But I didn't care about that.

"Maria, how old are you?" I asked suddenly, to break the silence which began to be awkward.

"How old do you think I am?" she replied with a question.

"Fifteen. Sixteen."

She laughed. "Do I really look that young? How come? I am turning eighteen next week."

"You look younger."

"Maybe I should wear make-up."

"What difference it will make?"

"You look older when you wear make-up."

"Oh."

Again, the conversation was empty. No meaning. But it helped, kind of. Yesterday was so fresh, so still hurting - well, I wasn't expecting something else - so the small talk about make-up, that in other times would talk me to sleep, seemed pretty good now.

"Wanna see some other sites?" I asked her, pointing at the laptop.

"No, I saw what I wanted. All yours."

"I don't need other sites, too."

"Then we are done here." She got up on her feet, I think she wanted to go home, but I stopped her. If she would leave now, it would mean I would have to go back home, and again, sit in my room, with Ike coming and trying to cheer me up, or worst - Mom with her 'gentle' talks about the subject. With all my love and respect to Mom - no thank you, dear.

"Don't go," I said.

"Why?"

"I want to be with you."

"Excuse me?"

"No, you don't understand. You make me feel better. You are helping me deal with that. Stay with me a little bit more, would you? Please?" I was almost ready to beg. It must have looked funny.

"If you insist. I feel better with you, too."

"Then, where do you want to go?"

"I don't really know..." She closed her eyes for a second. "It depends on you, whether you want to be noticed with me."

"What's wrong in being noticed with you?"

"Do you want rumors?"

"There are rumors around when I hang out with Jessica, my thirteen years old sister. We are going to the mall coz she needs something and the next day it is on the Net, 'Tay and some blonde went buying condoms'. How? Don't ask me."

"That's the price of fame."

"Yeah. During the years I got used to that. I learned not to pay attention. It would be just a waste of time and nerves."

"So? Where are we going to? Oh, I've got an idea. Do you want to come to my room?"

"Your room, as like in your house?"

"No, my room, as like in my own castle with Prince Charming - I hope he won't get jealous." She was joking, and I smiled at her joke. She looked funny when said that.

"What would your parents think?"

"Stuff."

"Well, I don't want them to think 'stuff'." I guess we were imitating our talk earlier, when I invited her to come to my house.

"Don't worry, they won't think anything. As long as we won't be making noises like in adult movies, it's okay." She laughed.

It seemed a good idea to me. It would be better hanging in her house than in mine. I mean, I don't think she has six brothers and sisters plus their best friends and girl/boyfriends hanging there, too. We walked to her house, silent. I don't know why we were silent; today, almost all the time we spent together, we were talking.

Kind of strange, when the person who helps me deal with the band's break up is no other than a fan of us. But... Whatever.

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