Chapter Sixteen
I've decided to go home at last. Taylor went on and on, telling me about our parents and how worried they were; apparently, I wasn't the only one who blamed Taylor. He told me that he overheard mom and dad talking last night, and they were certain too, that he pushed it too far. He almost begged me to come home, to show my face at the house and to let them see I was whole and okay. I agreed.
In some sort of a twisted way, the walking home with Taylor - I left the mall with him, promising Chris I was going to call him to report the results - silence ruled over the world around us. Somehow, I saw him differently, and the house I was going to, and the people waiting for me there - everything wasn't quite as I always saw it. Nothing has changed in the outer appearance of anybody, it was just that after everything that has happened, I had a different view on everything. It is like you see something and the shadow of the one thing that did change is on it, and you see it through the shadow.
I was nervous. I didn't know whether they would be mad at me for disappearing, I didn't know anything and for the first time in my life, I couldn't even try and guess. Everything was a blur. As we walked into the house, I thought nobody was there. There was silence, which is a highly unusual state of the environment in our household, given the fact that mom and dad reproduced themselves well, bringing seven children to the world. But then I heard my sisters talking on the second floor and knew the place wasn't dead. In my last minute before facing my parents, I wished I wouldn't have come. Suddenly, I felt faint and too scared. A little boy who is scared of the darkness.
My mom gave me a look. That was all she did. She didn't say one single word, she didn't make a sound, she only stood there and looked at me. I was frozen. And she kept staring at me. Almost as if she didn't recognize me. Then she whispered a breathless "ohmygod" and embraced me. I was still frozen. And she held me so tight, and I tried to imagine how she was feeling but I couldn't. I was always her baby, just like all of her kids were, and I was in trouble - as she must have been thinking, and she couldn't change anything, so she held me. And I was frozen. She was somewhat foreign to me, my own mother. Taylor shot a worried look at me, but I didn't move.
"Mother… I'll go to my room," I said, suddenly being highly aware of the way I called her - mother. She had always been called 'mom' or 'mommy' - and I called her 'mother', which was an official word, drier and less emotional. She looked me in the eye and nodded. I knew then what was going through her mind.
Her baby was gone now. I was a man.
It didn't matter that I was only fifteen, and I had two brothers older than me who had better rights to be called 'men' since their older age, but I felt like a grown up as I walked up the stairs to the room I shared with Taylor - oh, the ironic coincidence! - and I felt her eyes, piercing me all the way through, trying to reach the inner me and understand me. Now it had nothing to do with Chris, Enid, Taylor or anything at all at particular. It was a combination of everything. I was fifteen and a week old. When I was only fifteen, on the morning of my birthday, I was different.
My thoughts were short and sharp when I was sitting in the corner of my room, hugging my knees and pressing them against my chest.
I was so not the same only a week ago. Could it be that I nearly fainted the first time I saw Chris because some part of me saw what was about to happen? It seems like my father's not at home. Maybe I should call Enid, tell her I came back home. I remember the running all the way through the city and the woods, to reach Chris and the calmness of his that somehow became a part of me. I wonder what he's doing right now. Why did Enid came here to tell my parents where I've stayed?
I realized that each thought was nothing like the one that followed. I realized I felt uncomfortable in this room. I realized I wanted a change. I myself was so changed, I couldn't stay in this room for even a moment. I closed my eyes, trying to relax. Part of me felt like a lion in a cage. Part of me felt the urge to find another place to live.
"Mom says that if you want to talk to her, she's downstairs, and later you could find her at the basement - she's going to go through some old stuff." Taylor entered the room and I raised my head to look at him, as he stood above me and spoke.
"I think I'd rather pass."
"What's wrong now, Zac? Why won't you talk to anyone of us?"
"I don't know." But I knew.
"We all are very sorry about the scene from a few days ago."
"I know. It's just that… I don't know. I don't feel like a part of this house right now. I got too used to being with Chris and remembering your accusations."
"So, Enid has told me that she came to talk to you," he changed the subject. "Wanna tell me about it?"
"What can I say?"
"Listen," his voice has softened, "I wanted to tell you that I don't really care anymore about anything. I mean… I missed you, man." He was getting mellow, so unlike the Taylor I used to know. "I was such a bastard. You know, I have no idea how to fix this situation now, because… I can understand the idea that you feel uncomfortable talking to me, but when it comes to mom… Give her a break, at least."
Then, out of the blue, Isaac stormed into the room. The Hanson gang Sr. in it's fullest. The Hanson gang Jr. included Jessica and the rest of kids. "Mom told me you're home," he said. "That's great, because I've got some great news, and I need you two to give me an advice."
"What is it?" I asked. I was thrilled now that he was there; it gave me some sort of an assurement in my place.
"I'm taking Kayla away to a weekend, and I need to break it softly and gently to mom. She's not so happy of those kinds of being together."
"What do you want, tell her you're staying over the weekend at a friend's house and us to cover up?" Taylor asked jokingly. That has broken the tension in the room and we all laughed, although there wasn't anything funny in his comment.
Then we sank in a conversation about everything. Isaac told us about Kayla and what was going on between them, with me hinting him about rings and babies; they also asked me about Chris, and I told them everything I had to tell. I kept low profile on the kissing theme, I assumed they just wouldn't understand it, how a guy kisses a guy, but when it came to romance, they were smiling shyly when I spoke. They always saw me as their baby brother. And I never spoke with such passion about Enid. Enid was a part of the furniture by now, our entire family, including aunts from the far corners of the moon, treated her as a part of them, and it's not that it lowered my passion for her, but it was just so obvious. Now I closed my eyes and talked about Chris; and when I opened them, I saw those two with their eyes wide open.
"I think it's more beautiful than it seems," gasped Taylor.
"It's love, you jerk," Isaac answered.