Chapter Eighteen
I was certain that I wanted my old life back. With some exceptions, of course; it wasn't that I desperately wanted to return to Enid's arms, return to the sweet softness of her body and the gentle kisses she gave me. I was perfectly happy with Chris, and I knew that Enid will be my friend no matter what. It wasn't a matter of people by my side in bed. It was something more than that, deeper than that, complicated than that. It was inside of me.
I wanted the feelings that I used to have before I met Chris. I wanted to get rid of the uncertainty I felt each and every time somebody called me, when a member of my family picked up and I always got a look of speechless questions before getting on the line to talk to Chris. I wanted to gain back my confidence with which I was walking on the street; now it was as though they all stared at me and knew I had a boyfriend, being a guy myself. I wanted to feel free and happy, without the burden of the secret love, without having to deal with still odd looks from my parents and the still apologizing look in Taylor's eyes, without the feeling that I was a leper when I hanged out without Chris. It's a feeling that almost kills all of your insides when you walk around with a secret like the one I had; it's the feeling that you are so different from everybody. Like you stand out in the crowd. And I didn't want it. I wanted everything I felt, experienced, saw and heard. This is the true meaning of the sugar-coated reality I once had - the safety. Once you keep a secret like mine, you hang on the thin air, uncertain of so many things you think you're going to fall every minute. I wanted my safety back…
But there are some things, I guess, I cannot get back once they're gone. I could only disillusion myself with a fantasy and a room filled with things I needed to gain my safety back. But those were - what? How do you get back your feelings after your whole world and your whole self has suffered such major changes?
The blue flower got dry after two days of lying on the desk, without being put in water. I watched it as it looked like a symbol of everything that slipped away unnoticed while I kissed Chris and by that, changed my life unforgettably. I threw it out of the window and it probably was laying somewhere in the back yard now. Then I heard hushed knocking on the door; it was Enid. It was the first time I saw her since her coming to Chris' house. "Hey," she said, with a shy smile spreading on her face.
"Enid… I've missed you." I went to her and embraced her, just like in the old days - it's just that once I also kissed her. "It's so good to see you again."
"Yeah… same here. So, how are things?"
"Good. Yeah… good." There was some awkwardness between us, when we had this small, polite talk, with nothing else to say, and I hated it. Was it one of those things that were lost now? Enid? I couldn't bear that thought. If she was on that list, she would be the dearest from all. "Enid… Are you mad at me?" I had to ask it, just to be sure.
"No. You know I am not. And yes, I can see the tense air in the room, too." She sighed and sat down on the nearest box of books. "God, Zac, I don't want this to be what will eventually, make us strangers. But that is what happening, can't you see?" she sounded almost desperate. I guess we looked like two survivors of the Titanic, who had no idea how to swim to the shore, and where that shore was, and - was there even a shore? She blinked and lowered her face. "We sound like total strangers."
"Heaven, Enid, you think I can't see it and if I can, I ignore it? You don't know how I miss you. I cannot survive without your presence in my life. You're my best friend."
"I thought Chris was…" There wasn't any room for the thought she was jealous; with Enid the matter was, you could see her feelings right away, and I knew she wasn't jealous. She just plain old assumed that.
"Enid, please. I know that was painful and all. It's not like every day guys break up with their girlfriends because they have found a nominee for the Mr. Right award. But it's also not every day people have a relationship like we had, from all views ours was incredible."
"Why are you blaming me? It's not my fault. As a matter of fact, there are no human beings to put the blame on. It's the circumstances."
"Can't we overcome the goddamned circumstances?"
"It's not always possible," she stated coolly.
I went mad in an instant. "So what you're saying, basically, is that indirectly, it was my sexuality that brought us into this state of almost strangers? And that you don't really want to fight this, and you just accept it and leave me hanging here all by myself? Where is that Enid I knew once who was quiet and shy but such a fighter I would never go against her, who had our friendship and love in a high spot in her priority list, who cared about what we had? What, so now as I am not a boyfriend material you're just going to step out of my life? You know what - I no longer believe you support homosexuals or you're my friend and care about me or whatever!" I shouted the last words and turned away from her. She was quiet.
"I can tell you where this Enid you used to know now," she said finally. "She's gone the second her best friend started accusing her, when she wasn't guilty at all." With that, she got up and walked out. And I was left with my mouth open, my mind blank and my whole self numb.
As I saw it, I lost Enid, I lost everything. My sweet little Enid.
I closed the door after her, locked it and stayed in my new room until evening. I didn't quite feel the desire to see anybody. It was… It was more than just losing a good friend or a girlfriend. Enid… Enid symbolized my stabile life. When I was in good spirits constantly, when my family loved me unconditionally and the relationship was never challenged, when my love life were allowed to step out in the sunlight. And this all came crushing down.
I was left hanging on thin air, trying to grab something to hold on to, trying to find somebody in the darkness to answer me when I yell on the top of my lungs - I didn't feel anybody to be there, when I knew that Enid has stepped out of my life.