Chapter Seven
As for now, all those questions Chris told me to clarify to myself, were suddenly popping in my head, one by one. Somehow, there was an answer for each and every to them; but if I were to write down the answers, I wouldn't have been able to. It all was like a puff of gray smoke - gray smoke allows you to see shadows through it, it gives you the sight of people or visions, you can see something is there - but if you want clarity, gray smoke never provides you that. It's a shadows' smoke.
So at five o'clock, or somewhere around that time, I walked Enid to her house. I needed to do what I was going to do, no matter how confused it made me feel; or obnoxious, when I looked at Enid's bright smile. Enid kissed me and disappeared. And I started my journey.
Okay, so it's not a journey. It's only a forty-five minutes' walk through the woods to his house; but given all the importance of that walk to me, I call it a journey. Also because I think a lot on my way. I think about how it felt yesterday, when I kissed him. I cannot seem to understand it. It feels natural and surreal at the same time, and I feel like a goddamn two-year-old who looks at his father while he's kissing his mother and automatically assumes that it's biting. Because I have no idea whether it was right or wrong. There seem to be so many bits to put on each plate. I mean, what you enjoy doing, couldn't be wrong - so it must be right; but what about the fact it may hurt somebody so precious to your heart?
I found Chris in his room; I climbed on the tree and somehow managed to peek into the room, to make sure he was there, and alone. He just stared outside when my wild-haired head popped right into the window and he nearly fell off his chair, laughing with amazement. I probably looked like a mix of a nutcase and a homeless. It never quite occurred to me, to get myself looking attractive, only in very rare cases when me and Enid had those "special" dates, in order to celebrate something. No, I certainly cannot think of Enid when I look at Chris and all I can think of is, how much I want to kiss him again - and I still try to convince myself this wanting is just the result of curiosity, it's just sheer curiosity about whether the second time would be as pleasant as the first, even when I know the curiosity played its role only when I played with girls at the age of four and lifted their skirts, and now I am fully aware of what I am doing.
"It didn't take you much time to get back here. As I recall, only twenty-four hours passed since your rush to here, explained by running away from the music." He spoke calmly, looking at me, understanding me, as I was feeling, searching for the answers to questions asked yesterday in my appearance. "So, anything I can do for you, or is there anything else you might wanna tell me?"
"What do you call it?"
"Call what?"
"When you want to kiss a guy."
"There are so many names for this. Gay, bisexual, lust, curiosity, love, being horny, reaching for the decision about yourself and having some proofs, or whatever it may be."
"How do you know?"
"You know. It crawls to you right out of the blue and kicks your brains out, filling you with acknowledgment of the truth."
"What do you do until it crawls to you?"
"Follow your instincts, your heart, your desires and your will."
I guess he knew better; he was gay, after all, aware of his sexuality and out of the closet. He went all the way already, and I don't mean sex - I mean knowing, accepting, opening, and living according to the sexuality he had. I could only admire him from my spot of far far before even understanding the going on. It was like standing on the ground and look all the way up, to the top of the tree and the person who climbed it, and now is sitting, smiling and looking incredibly proud - and strong.
"Follow… How?"
"Just do what you wanna do. No thoughts, regrets, concerns or whatsoever that may put brakes on you." I wondered whether he wanted to seduce me. No, not because of what he said. Because… I don't know. I just wondered. Then my wicked mind put a question for me to answer - did you want to seduce him?
I sure did.
Follow your will, he said. And I knew he knew what he was saying. He'd been there, done that, and went all the way on the road. He read my eyes, as he stood still, facing me, so close I could reach my hand and touch his cheek - just like yesterday. His eyes were dreamily gazing into mine, waiting, anticipating, asking for, hoping for, and I knew I wanted it even more than he did. How weird it felt yesterday, when I took the step forward and kissed him, and how different today was, as I held him close to me and carefully kissed him, this time thinking about it, and actually, not knowing what to do next. How do you make love to a guy, when you're a guy? I mean… I knew all kinds of different things. You can learn a lot from movies, chats, and friends who try to look smart and open minded. But what I knew wasn't quite what I wanted to do, since what I knew was, if this was the right term, "all the way". What do you until the final fireworks? I kissed him passionately, at the same time trying to figure out.
He probably understood I knew nothing; he took on himself the role to be my teacher not only in what had to do with my being confused but also with my being inexperienced. He slowly slid his hands down my back to my waist and pressed me tight against him, until I could only hope there was something next, because being so close to him at the first time made me so excited I could die.
As we lay on his bed he smiled at me, gently touching my hand, as if to give me strength and courage. I had no clue about what it was what we were doing; I only knew I loved it more than anything, when we touched and kissed and held each other close. It was like being shot five hundred feet up in the air and open your eyes and look down - scary and exciting at once, when you know you've never done this before but from all the things you've done, it's the greatest, and you could practically kill anyone who'd dare to claim differently. He didn't go too far with me, knowing I couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't have gone all the way. He only showed me the tip of the iceberg.
I remember oh-so clearly how scared I was at the beginning of the possibility of his parents walking in on us; then it disappeared, as the rest of the world. I was caught in the merry-go-round of sweet ecstasy.