MAKING OF THE VIDEO

My next job was Hanson's "This time around" music video. I never quite knew Hanson and it made me wonder what kinds of ideas I could offer them - I mean, when you get to work with people you never knew before it can be stressing. You never know what kind of attitude they got, what will they like and what will they diss, and there is no artist out there who likes to be dissed. Directors are artists, too. I only knew their names, ages, and I got a tape of the song we were shooting a video for. The song was quite nice. I was amazed when I checked their ages - I think they are way too young to write songs deep as this one. I don't know, but when I was that young, which actually wasn't that long ago, me and my buddies used to have a band of our own. We had lyrics as "and I spin you around in the gym, and we both know it's prom night, it's our last night, and I wonder was the room I rented going to be used?" Okay, so we were jerks. Never mind.

We talked on the phone - me and Isaac, the oldest band member. There were set two shooting days and one for arrangements. On the first day, which was the arrangements day, I flew to Los Angeles early in the morning, to stay for four or five days and make this video. I kind of had a weird feeling about it, I don't really know why. But I am a weird person, my mama said, otherwise I would have found something more based on the ground as a career. I always have those "feelings" and "predictions". Most of the times, they stay as such, never come real.

Later I discovered me and the Hansons were staying in the same hotel - just not the same floor. We sat in the lobby and introduced ourselves. There was Isaac, the nineteen years old, the one I talked to on the phone. He was tall - the three of them were, - he was kind of goofy but I noticed he had a warm smile, friendly and cheering. There was this girl in their staff, somewhere around his age, that he used to puzzle to her direction all the time. I guess they had something - I never really had the chance and the urge to ask for details. The youngest was Zachary - Zac, he was fourteen, he was a bit, what I call, two personas sharing a body. Part of the time, and now I talk about all the time I was with them, he was that serious, troubled young man who's trying to solve the questions, that people are wondering about for years now; the other part he was totally crazy, laughing, having a blast in life, telling jokes and making pranks. Well, basically Zac was a typical teenager, as far as I know. The middle brother was Taylor, Tay. He was nearly seventeen. He was handsome - the three of them were beautiful, each in his own special way, but Taylor was the one that the word "handsome" suited the best. I looked in his blue eyes and something almost swallowed me. He was somewhat not like the others. I couldn't help but stare in his eyes, for a while I did so, then I irrationally checked him over - his entire body. Then I went back to the eyes.

I think Isaac was saying something at the time, the thing is, I never heard him. I was trapped in the blue ocean of Tay's eyes.

Taylor:

David came to meet us that morning, and I saw he was a bit concerned about us. I mean, he didn't exactly work with three teenagers before. I think I can understand him - I remember how Tamra Davis worked with us on "MMMBop". People tend to not take us seriously.

Well, Isaac tried to be as mature as he could. He tends to do this. He acts even older than his age sometimes, when he makes the first impression. I find it stupid. You have to be what you are, and we all know that Ike is not that mature as he tries to show himself. Zac didn't pretend. He was in his "funny" mood - and I thought that David would just run away from us. I looked at him then, when he laughed at one of Zac's jokes. He has a nice smile. Then he looked at me. I saw him checking my looks, and thought about how he was probably thinking about angles to shoot "the Hanson's stud" the most flattering way, so the lustful girls at home would adore the video. Sometimes it makes me sick. I don't want to be a sex symbol. I am not one.

Well, I don't really know how come, but he didn't move his eyes away from mine. We just locked stares. It made me feel chilly, I felt this sudden rush of chills down my spine. It was kind of really weird. Then I blinked and introduced myself - only then his eyes moved and he resembled a human being more than a mechanic doll. He actually looked like one when we were stare-locked. I watched him then, when we got up and drove to Alexandria hotel, where we were supposed to shoot. He was behind the wheel, and I sat near him. Usually Isaac drives, but this time it was different. I mean, David is the "adult" here.

It was an atmosphere full of electricity in the car. I was so tense. I couldn't really be so close to him because it felt weird. It also felt natural, but I didn't want to feel that natural. And I was afraid Dave would notice something, and me, I now really wanted him to make this video.

David:

I didn't feel quite well with myself as we were driving to Alexandria. I mean, God, Dave, keep your shit together, he is only a sixteen years old kid, and you are - twenty eight. But he was so damn sexy. So I tried to keep my shit together and chat with Ike. He was trying to impress me.

We wandered around the place, talking about what will be shot where. I took some notes. I usually don't, but now I was too distracted by Tay's blue eyes, I knew if I won't take notes there won't be any idea in my head after two minutes. I had to keep myself calmed down. His parents would kill me, sue me, choke me and whatever - I mean, it doesn't really matter what kind of sexuality I've got, and what kind of a body Tay's got, but this is their son, their minor son.

Then I was glad we weren't on the same floor in the hotel. It's not like I would have tried to seduce him, but you know…

The next day, first thing they were choosing clothes. I made a move at their dresser, who was a girl - I do it once in a while to keep suspicious looks away and out of anybody's minds. I tried not to stare at Tay, at his young, strong body, at his muscular torso, but it was tough. I ended up walking out and hanging out, returning only when they were done with the clothing.

I saw him looking at me more than he looked at Ike and Zac. It made me so mad, because it's not like he was looking at me the way I wanted him to look, he only wanted to show what I've got the best possible way! God! Then he and Zac started wrestling. It was funny, because as odd as it is, Zac is much stronger than Dave. He's just a strong kid.

To tell the truth? I was a bit jealous of Zac. I looked at them and laughed as everybody else did, but deep deep down inside me, I desired to be there instead of Zac. It's not that I'm a big fan of wrestling and it's not like I'm a fighter and it's not like I wanted to punch Dave; it was the fact that they were so close, their… bodies… They were like, having this… physical encounter it's called? And that is what I wanted - to be that close to Dave… God, what am I saying? I'm insane. I don't know what I'm thinking.

I don't remember what was the first scene we shot that day. No, I recall - it was this scene where Zac finds this drum and bangs on it, and those two morons dance around him. I remember me and Ike not liking it, how they danced - it looked so moronic. So we went to Dave and I told him what we thought about it. I remember I looked at him, and I was standing and he was sitting, so he raised his eyes and I lowered mine as we talked, until they met. I was pretty much distracted by his stare when I talked. That is why he didn't really understand right away what was my point. I'm such an idiot.

David:

So he stared down at me and explained what his idea was for that Zac and drum scene was, and I didn't even get it right away. I was slowly drifting away in his eyes. I had to do something about this, because now I was really attracted to that boy and I knew it was wrong for so many reasons. So we re-shot the scene.

I kind of forgot the righorder of scenes we shot. The next one was, I think, the performance scene. It was pretty much okay while they were rehearsing the scene; then it was the real act, with the playback and all. It was pretty enchanting. I've done so many videos, but this time it was different for so many reasons. I stared at Tay, his face expressions as he sang - lip-synced - the lyrics. The way his lips moved, the way he was turning to the side all the time, and the way his hair was flying every time he did it… I don't really know what I was feeling then. Lust? It was more than that. It was probably what every teenage girl feels when she sees a really handsome boy. It was amusing to identify myself with a teenage girl. I calmed myself down, I don't know how I succeed in that.

Then he came to me again, alone, and asked me if it was okay how he was turning to the side all the time. He showed me that, as if I weren't there when we shot it. And I had to see him, half a meter distance between us, and he was wearing a really tight figure-hugging, red wifebeater, and he was deadly turning me on. Oh God. I felt sorry in that moment I took this job. It was so much easier to work with women, or with ugly men. It's a whole different thing when you work with such a handsome guy. In some way, I almost ignored Isaac and Zac. I had my mind and my eyes concentrated on Tay. I felt so bad about it.

Taylor:

To tell the truth…? I envy his girlfriend.

I don't really know what got into me. I'm sorry.

Then we shot the scene where it was with the steady camera. Dave was no longer near us, he was taking care of the shooting. He was right in front of us at the performance scene… And then it felt much better. Safer, maybe. I don't know. When I look at Dave, I have those weird feelings that I don't want feel and those urges that I don't want to experience. It scares the shit out of me. I mean, I am so not supposed to feel this way. And if Dave ever notices, well he's probably going to quit that video shooting and run away from me. Then what? God…

Then we went to shoot the kitchen scene. I was pretty satisfied with that because it was only Ike we shot and I was standing right near Dave as we shot it. It was like the air was full of electricity. I have never experienced something like that.

David:

In some point of the first day I suddenly realized that this kid was like, searching for me all the time, seeking my closeness. I, of course, immediately thought about, maybe, he was just like me, but got rid of the assumption right away. That was ridiculous. I mean, Tay was coming up with ideas for better shooting all the time, he only wanted to participate in the technical stuff, too, not only show up his pretty face on TV. I envied the girls back home, how they would be allowed to lust after his features in this video - as we planned it, he had the whole first verse to be by himself on the screen, and this was going to be a beautiful shot. But we were going to do it the second day of shooting.

He stood so close to me while we shot Ike, I nearly went insane. It was the first time I couldn't concentrate on my job. All because of Tay, because this boy has eyes bluer than sky on a bright spring day and body of a Greek god. All because I lust secretly after him like a sex-starved fourteen years old freshman. And as much as I wanted to think he was so close to me because he felt the same, I knew I should not disillusion myself. I hate being disappointed. Except that, if I thought he liked me the way I liked him, I could start behaving towards him differently - we all know what that means. That would be - a disaster. Making a move on a minor, me being twenty-eight? Not me. Nah-ah.

Was it the second day already? No, probably not. Well, all I remember from the night between the two shooting days is that I didn't get a good sleep, since half of the night I though of Tay. I thought of how unfair it was, when most of the times I wanted guys who were straight, and this time - even minors. Most of the times I don't mind walking to this guy and saying, "hey, listen if you're straight, we'll forget about the while thing, but if you're gay or bi, I just wanted you to know that I find you really attractive", and they would react according to their sexual preferences; well, I couldn't do it this time. Tay was a minor.

He asked me where my girlfriend was. I told him I was single. Was it just me and my false hopes or did the boy's face suddenly got happier?

Taylor:

I hated to be separated from Dave for the night. I wished I could just go to his room, now that I knew he was alone there, and sleep in his bed with him, hold him in my sleep. But we all know how impossible it was. It's not like I could just do it. He'd probably think I was making moves on him, and this would be true, and he'd quit the shooting and tell my parents and then what?

I hated the fact I was sharing a room with Zac. He was too clever sometimes; I was afraid he'd understand I was thinking about something and start investigating. So I just escaped to the bathroom and sat there for, God, hours, just keep thinking about Dave and what I felt about his body and his personality and how incredibly wrong it was, feeling this way. I almost hated myself for thinking all those things I thought.

I mean, I thought about kissing him, about hugging him, about naked bodies of him and me, together, I thought about it, me, Tay, Taylor Hanson, the male figure girls lust after, the one who supposively dated the whole East Coast and the West Coast, too, who, according to what the fans were talking about, slept with half of them and with Britney Spears too - Ike was rumored to sleep with Christina Aguilera, and Zac with Mandy Moore. God knows Ike has a crush on that staff girl, Symona - she's French or something, and Zac is not ready for sex yet. He said so the last time we had boys talk.

So me, Taylor Hanson, was sitting locked in the bathroom of some hotel, thinking dirty thoughts about a guy who was twelve years older than him, who was a guy, for heaven's sake, thinking all those stuff I can't even say out loud, blushing like I never did… I was pathetic. I stared at myself in the window, examined my face - I knew nobody could see anything, but all the time I was around Dave I had this feeling it shows, and everybody, especially Dave himself, can see it - Taylor has those weird feelings for David, the director. God, it was almost a torture.

As we were talking about the scene, I noticed there were only me, Tay and MTV's camera man on that corner. Nobody could see us. Then I knew Tay was probably thinking the same thoughts, a little bit of them. Because the camera man left us when he got his explanation for the program, and me and Tay were alone there for two or three minutes. Tay looked at me for a moment and blushed so hard. I took his hand, I had to spend all my guts on that action, and asked him if something was wrong, and did he want to change the scene but was shy to tell me. His hand was almost burning mine, it was so hot. His skin practically burned. He nodded his head in disapproval - he liked the scene. We stood like this, me holding his hand for a minute or so, then we heard Zac calling Tay's name and had to go. So I let go of hihand. Of his gentle, long and thin fingers of a pianist.

It made me aroused a bit. I calmed myself down. No matter what, even if I was right and this kid was gay or bisexual, by no means I could release my lust. I kept reminding myself he was just sixteen years old. It was dark there in the basement, with the lights only on the extras. Tay was closer than ever to me. I could feel, like almost actually feel he was shivering. I used the opportunity, forgetting my promise to myself about not touching this kid anymore, and laid my hand on his shoulder and asked him if something was wrong - because he was shivering so much.

Taylor:

I hated it, I couldn't help it. It was just that I was so close to him, and he took my hand before, and it made me a complete mess, and now I was so close to him… It wasn't really by choice, it's just that there wasn't much room there. So I shivered, and he laid his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was okay, if I was cold or something. I couldn't say a word, because here he was, touching me again, I couldn't concentrate on what I was saying… I said I was fine. I said that yeah, I was a bit cold. It was a bit chilly in that basement.

It took him like, two minutes, until he removed his hand from my shoulder. If only I could have told him how much I liked his touch and didn't want him to move towards the camera again… but we all know it's impossible.

It's so weird. Now I can say for sure I've got a crush on Dave. But I feel so wrong about it. Because I am not supposed to. But it's not like I can help it or do something about it, I mean, he's in front of my eyes all day long! I thought about how today was the last day of me seeing Dave… I was pretty sad about it, I mean, I just got it that I had a crush on him and that's it, he was leaving, but in a way, it was what I needed. I didn't want to hang around him and mopping about feelings I cannot release anyway. That sucks so badly.

Then it was that thing when the rat peed on that girl's foot and it was so damn funny it even distracted me for a little from Dave and my feelings. I was pretty glad about it.

We went shooting the scene where me and Ike and Zac sit on that round red thing and the camera has me leaning to it and Zac and Ike on profile and I sing the third verse. But how could I concentrate when Dave was sitting right near the camera and I was supposed to look right into it? Once or twice my eyes puzzled to Dave's direction; he smiled at me reassuringly every time. I also went talking to hi about the scene after we shot it. I seem to lose every kind of control on myself when it comes to being around Dave. I wish this day would just be over and Dave would leave and maybe then I would get some peace of mind. I am totally freaked out now, that scared I am about him seeing something.

David:

I felt really sorry for Tay. As a matter of fact, earlier I called him 'kid', because I knew I had to refer to him as such, but I couldn't do it any longer. Tay wasn't a kid, he was a young man. I couldn't see him as a kid. So, what was I saying? Oh, that I was feeling sorry for him.

It's because I know how he feels. I can see him now so clearly, but I'm not telling him about it because it will scare him too much. I pretend to be blind, deaf and don't respond to touch. I can see this guy has feelings deep in him, I see the way his hands shake when I take them every hour or so - I can do this because it seems innocent and I know he doesn't mind. I even see it that he enjoys it. I see the way his eyes shine when we lock stares, and the way his smile becomes awkward when I stand close to him. But I know he doesn't see I see it, and he doesn't see what I feel - same as he does. I cannot show it. It would be seducing a minor. I can't say he's a kid, but I can say he's a minor. I still can do that, at least.

I've been in his shoes when I was a bit younger than he is now. When I was sixteen, like him, I was already out of the closet; but I guess it's harder when you're growing up in the spotlight. I remember that Stephen Gately just came out recently; I ran into him once after he'd done it and asked since when he knew about himself - he told me the age of fourteen and a half. He came out in the age of twenty-something. I mean, his friends from the band knew, but that was it. I wondered if Tay's brothers knew… Then I realized - not. I think he himself still didn't admit it to himself. It's a tough spot.

Then we had to shoot the last scene - the ballroom scene with Tay and the ancient piano. The MTV camera captured me as I lay on the piano and mocked the song, and I heard Tay laughing behind my back, as I sang. I know I ain't much of a singer - I did it only because I wanted to hear him laugh.

Taylor:

He was so cute as he laid on that piano and sang that bullshit he made from our song. I loved it so much, I was playing the piano and laughing at the same time… I wanted to come to him, hold him in my arms and kiss him, but it was something I was forbidden to do.

It was really late by then, it was the last scene we shot for the video, and we all were so damn tired - I guess Dave more than anybody else - because he was the one running around all day long. We just lip-synced and had a blast. Although I felt exhausted I put my entire soul into that last shot, it became more powerful that the other scenes, since all I could think of was, here we go, this is the last shot, and after that, Dave will be out of your life forever.

He looked at me intensely. I wanted to smile at him, but then I was already too worn-off.

We said goodbye, all of us, and we drove to the hotel. Then I was pacing around the bathroom again, thinking of him, about how he looked the last time I saw him as he was getting into that rented car he has got here in LA, and he smiled at me. I remember it clearly, more than I remember all that shooting, all that crazy life in the past days. It was a smile of a friend, of a good friend, who will always be there for you and understand you with all your troubles.

Suddenly I was out of the bathroom, out of the room, sliding on my thumbs past my sleeping brother, and walking to the elevators. I had no idea what I was doing, what I was going to say to him, why I was doing it and what results could be to what I was going to do, but I couldn't quite control myself right now. I knew where his room was and I walked to it fastly, afraid somebody would see me.

I knocked on his door and waited for a while, hoping he would be awake and alone. Then I heard the steps behind the door and in a moment it was opening, probably in a normal speed but my vision was blurry for a moment and it seemed to me like the door was opening on slow motion. He was standing there, in training pants and a t-shirt.

David:

I heard hushed knocking on the door and went to answer it. I had no idea who would that be - I knew nobody in LA. As I opened it, I saw Tay there. He looked nervous and frustrated. I couldn't help but wonder, what was he doing here, did he come to get out of the closet or what, seduce me? As much as I wanted I knew I wouldn't let that happen.

"Come in," I told him. He came inside and shyly sat down on a chair that was standing in the corner of the room. I sat in front of him, on the bed's corner. Tay was looking at me, nervously wrapping his fingers together to the point where I started to fear he would break a couple of them.

"Stop that, you're gonna hurt yourself," I said, taking his hands in mine and separating the fingers. "What's the deal? Why are you here in the middle of the night?"

"I… I… I don't really know…" He wasn't quite able to talk rationally; then I knew why he was here. I could have made this easier on him by saying I understood, but decided not to. I wanted to see what exactly he could say. "I… I just want to tell you some stuff… But you have to promise it won't come out of this room."

"I swear.' I lifted my right hand.

"I'm having really weird feelings… I don't really know how and why… Especially why… But it just feels that way, and I know it's wrong… But I can't do anything, it's not like I can resist it something, you understand…"

Heavenly hell, he was nervous or what! I suddenly felt a rush of pity for the guy. I slid down on the floor and sat right in front of him, holding his hands in mine. He looked down at me and I looked up at him. Then I started talking instead of him - I knew I was saying everything he wanted to say but had no guts to. "I see everything, Taylor. I can see the way you look at me, hiding every glance and thinking I didn't notice. I can feel the way your skin burns when I take your hand and the way you blush when I talk to you. I can feel, practically feel your blood boil when you stand beside me. I can see what you're feeling here," I put my hand on his chest and I could feel the beat of his heart. "I can see you've got feelings for me."

Taylor:

It felt like a bomb exploded when he said it. He knew all along? I couldn't believe it. If he saw it, that clearly, than it means all the people around me saw it, too. And now they know what I was. Well, good for them, because I didn't know. Did it mean I was gay?

"Am I gay, Dave?" I whispered.

"Maybe. That is only for you to know. If that is what you think you are, than you are gay. Or maybe you are bisexual. Whatever you are, you have to remember that you are still a great person that you are. It doesn't matter who turn you on."

"I don't want to be gay… I don't know anybody gay…" I was feeling so lame that moment. When he said it, it was like the moment of the truth, when I knew he was right and yes, I was gay. It scared the shit out of me, when I knew it.

David:

I watched his face expression when he said his words. I waited for him to do something, but he was sitting still and thinking about it. He reminded me so much of myself when I was exactly like him. He looked at me and started crying. Not really crying, but a few tears slid down his cheeks. I embraced him, moving him to the floor with me. "Shhh, shhh, it's okay, Tay, it's really okay," I whispered into his hair, stroking it. He held me like for dear life, like I was the only person in this world and he was five years old and scared, in a want of his mommy who was missing. I never quite have been in that situation before - not in my place, at least. I've been only in Taylor's.

"You know that you said you didn't know any gays, well that's not true. I'm gay, for example." I didn't care any longer for his age, his parents, the fact we were working together on this video. It was how I could calm him down, because he was shivering. But at least he wasn't crying now. He looked at me, long, longing look.

"Do you have feelings for me?" He asked quietly. I didn't know what to say. The truth? Lies?

"Yes, I do," I answered. I couldn't hide the truth. I wanted to kiss him too badly.

"Then… What's gonna be?"

"I'm going to finish editing this video and move on, and you're gonna move on. Nothing can happen. With us, I mean. About you, you'll see how do you want to live your life."

"No, I mean… Right now. Tonight." He moved his face closer to mine, to the point where I could feel his sweet, soft breath on my lips. He had experience in such things, I guess; he didn't realize how arousing it was.

"What do you want to happen tonight?"

"I want you to love me."

Suddenly he was full of courage and was sure of himself. He got up off the floor and stood facing me. I stood up, too. We were the same height, he was a bit higher. He looked at me with a mix of curiosity, lust, passion, longing, fear, concern and soft feelings. He was sure of himself, but afraid to make the first step. He looked at me with a question and wish in his eyes. I held him in my arms and slowly, got my face closer and closer to his. Then our lips met and I felt his palms that were on my back clench into fists for a moment. I kissed him the best I could without getting too excited. I couldn't go too far along with him. But he was planning stuff, I guess. He pushed me slightly and I sat down on the bed. Then he pushed me again, and I was laying down. He lay beside me and kissed me. "I want you to show me how do you love a man," he whispered. "I know how to love a girl, but how do you love a man?"

"No, no, we can't." I had to say it. I knew he didn't really mean it. It was his sense of new things talking, not his common sense. "I can tell you but I won't demonstrate you."

He silenced me with a kiss.

Taylor:

He didn't want to go too far. He said he could go to jail because I was a minor, that my parents could lock him up, that he would feel bad with himself afterwards, that I wasn't quite ready, but I could see through all of his excuses that he wanted. Okay, then. We won't go too far.

So we kissed and we touched each other everywhere. And we did it for hours, until we both nearly died of pleasure. I fell asleep in his arms afterwards.

It felt good the next morning when I woke up, even though he wasn't there, deciding to avoid the talk. I don't know how or why, but I felt good.

David:

So this is how I made Hanson's "This time around" video. I know Tay hasn't said a word to anybody. It felt incredible to hold this guy. He was born to make love. I hope I'll run into him again, when he will be five years older.

The next day we didn't see each other. Our encounter that night consisted only of kissing and making out; I believe it provided memories to Tay for along time. It was his first time on those stuff.

I knew I had to have some memory of it, except the ones I had in my mind. So when I was editing the video, I froze the picture during the first verse scene, when he's alone, with the piano, singing, looking like a little angel with that hair that falls into his eyes and those blue eyes of his that got me drowned in their stare. I sent this picture to the printer.

I keep it with me now, as I'm in the plane that's taking me back to my home. I will keep it for a long time, I know that. Hey, that is not happening every time I shoot a video, stuff that happened between me and Tay! I'd like to believe this video is special to him, too, just like it's special to me.

I also would like to believe he would be out of the closet soon, find his peace of mind and a boyfriend who will be good to him. After all, Tay is a great guy. He deserves all the best.