Chapter Ten
"Chris."
He was reading a book when I climbed into his room; I was still sitting on a branch when he noticed me, and he smiled, welcoming me. He put the book aside and helped me to get in, although I could manage by myself; but resisting his touch was above my will. He hesitated whether to kiss me or not, and I solved his problem by kissing him myself.
"Chris," I said again, enjoying the sound of his name. "Please, talk about girls in general and Enid in particular."
"That's a strange request. I thought you didn't want to mention her while you're with me."
"But you're so smart. You're saying things I never thought about, and they make me see life in a different way. Like the things you said about the past and future."
"I never quite thought deeply about girls, as you understand."
"Anything, Chris. Anything!"
"What really bothers you? Enid and the fact you've been with me? But you don't regret it. Then you mustn't feel guilty. You needed it, I saw it in your whole body. You wanted, needed, longed for and desired it. Don't think about Enid. I can only tell you, when it comes to making out and making love with a person the same sex as you are, you need to put aside everybody who isn't you or him. Don't let the world get in the middle, the world or one particular somebody. And afterwards, keep that attitude."
"It's not that easy. Especially when she tells you she trusts you and she knows you wouldn't hurt her on purpose."
"Zac, if you let something to disturb your true feelings about what had happened between us, you're going to sink so deep you won't be able to get out so easily. You are peaceful and at ease - keep it that way. What people say, think, feel about it - should always remain their own private problem. You are not going to deal with it. You have your own life and problems to deal with, without taking care of what other people think of your actions. You should follow your own will, not other people's dreams about you. Live life by your own terms."
"I don't know what are my terms."
"We discussed it already. Until you know, do what you feel like doing. Only that way you know how to learn about yourself. And this is the most important subject in the school of life - the self studies, as I call it. You need to acknowledge every single part of your soul and personality. Then you have the terms for your living."
"Chris, you know who and what you are. What meaning does it hold for you, this making out session of ours?"
"It has a meaning. It's not just pleasing my flesh and it's not raw lust."
"Do you have feelings for me?" I insisted on knowing the answer on that one; somehow, a part of me wanted so much to hear that he felt something more than just physical. I wanted to hear soft words from him, just like Enid used to whisper me her sweet iloveyou's, during our intimate moments. And she's the only person I had sexual encounters with before Chris.
"I do." It sounded almost like a wedding vow; because hearing an 'I do' always brought a memory of the wedding I attended once back in mind. He looked serious and concentrated when he said it, looking deep into my eyes, almost making me faint, and making me dizzy, just like in the first moment of our meeting. "Yes, I do have feelings for you."
"Tell me." Two words were everything I could say, nothing but a breathless whisper.
"What do you expect me to say? That I love you?"
"I don't know. You tell me, Chris."
"Why don't you tell me?"
"I can't read a person's mind like you can."
"Then read my lips." I was prepared to try and guess his words when he'll mouth them, without making a voice, but for him, lips-reading meant something else. He just kissed me. He moved closer to me, took my hands in his, and besides the touching of our lips, only our hands were pressed together. He kissed me so slowly yet so passionately, making me taste every brief second of that kiss, almost making me smile, and I would have, if that didn't mean quitting the kiss. It was a kiss not of a kind that makes you go to bed and have sex wildly until the dawn; it was a kiss later I started calling a "Romeo and Juliet" kiss. Because theirs were love kisses - passion came later.
"I see the picture, but I can't see the details," I whispered, when his lips stopped sending shivers through my whole body.
"You don't need the details," he replied. "Details are useless and pointless."
"But they're important to me."
"Learn to live without them. Sometimes you can never figure them out, and that can make you pretty miserable. Be satisfied with the picture."
"Chris… Do you remember that spot where you first saw me and Enid?"
"I sure do."
"Lets go there."
"Why? To make a circle full? So you'd finish the deal where it started?"
"No. So we'd start it all over."
"As what?" Now it was his turn to question me, and as much as we both tried to avoid this subject, still, feelings weren't that unimportant as we tried to pretend. We both had to know where we stand, and what is your spot exactly in his life, what is the role you play and how close you are to the center or the edge.
"As lovers," I whispered. "Isn't that what we are?"