Chapter Twelve
I stayed with Chris for a while after Taylor's sudden turning around and running home; I knew that in that very moment he was opening the front door and screaming for Mom and dad to come, then he was calling Isaac, since he was the oldest, then he was telling them, without hiding any single detail, what he saw, what he thought about it, what they should think about it, what they should tell me… And while I was half crazy with panic and half paralyzed with fear, I almost predicted it all to the smallest details. I didn't know what I had to do then, because I had no idea what kind of a welcome I was going to get at home. It was so obvious Taylor would represent it as the crime of the century and a lie biggest than any lie in history. It was his way of telling things when he was mad and shocked.
It was every single bit like I feared it would be. It was so much of a tragedy back home, more than it should have been, and I almost started believing to Taylor, when he said how horrible I was. And I didn't know exactly why he was so mad at me. So I was a liar. But does a lie count as a crime when you have no choice?
They were split up to a few groups - first one counted Taylor, still furious, and still incapable or a reasonable explanation of his madness; Isaac, who was the one I liked the most at that moment, because he suddenly stood up for me and even turned against Taylor, saying he had no right to tell about it to our parents before I was ready for it; and finally, Mom and Dad. Now, it was the worst - worst than Taylor, or worst than my own feeling of guilt as I remembered Enid. They were plain old disappointed. Not because I kissed a guy. Because I lied to Enid. That was the crime of the century in everybody's eyes. Mom almost saw her as one of her children. She treated her the way women treat their daughters-in-law; yes, it was a bit over the line, but that was the way things were. I remember that Mom raised all of us with high moral principles, taught us about honesty and trust, and even monogamy - a temporary one, when you're devoted to the girl by your side, and only to her.
I felt as if they were ready to kill me; or maybe it was just my guilty consciousness. It was pretty much unfair towards me. I guess, it is only my business who do I kiss, and Enid is only my problem for now. So why do they feel the need to guide me through life and love? Can't I do it by myself? Or maybe they all felt bored at that time and needed a bit of action - all except Isaac, who still insisted on leaving me alone and letting me manage by myself the mess I've made, and not because he was cruel but because he, like me and Chris, believed my life is my life, and they should stick their noses to anywhere but my life. Maybe they needed a bit soap bubbles from cheap soap operas, and the TV channels quit their translation. Maybe they all hated me.
I had a lot of weird thoughts in my head, trying to figure out why they were giving me the Lynch, asking me what I felt, why I did things, how, when, was it the first time, what about Enid… I was sick and tired of questions about her. I was tired of everything. All I wanted was leaving this place for a while, until things would calm down, or just kicking their asses. Just as it is. I didn't care for respect for your eldest and brotherly love. I cared for myself now, for my privacy and my feelings. I felt as if I was in a war, when they questioned me, a war that I am all alone in the battle field, fighting against so many people, even if only my parents and Taylor tortured me with their questions, and Isaac tried to shut them down - without any results.
Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. "God forbid you ever stop from taking your noses out of your asses and shoving them into my life," I said, giving up on any good manners I used to have once. "Which means, God forbid I stay in this house while you're doing it."
With that I turned on my heels and ran out, before they could close their mouths and stop me. I wouldn't have let them. I couldn't stay there. I couldn't answer them on their basic questions - "How long it's been going on? Are you gay or bisexual? Why did you lie to Enid? What about her? Does she know?" and the most frequent one, "Why?" Why what? I didn't know. Just why. So I ran away from them, without caring about anything. I couldn't absorb it any longer, I would have gone crazy - but now I couldn't even understand who was the crazy in that room, Dad, pale with unwanted anger, Mom, on the verge of tears, Taylor, furious, or me, quiet, with my hands shoved deep into my pockets, desperately trying to shut my hearing down, trying to think of pleasant things, everything but hearing them. I had no feelings left for them at that moment.
I always was taught by both of them that people are equal; we all God's children, we all have our place under the sun and our drops of the rain. And even when you disagree with one's way of living or his behavior, it's not our place to judge him. He is going to answer to the Lord himself, and on us lays the chore of loving and supporting. What a huge bunch of shit they were selling me, or what hypocrites they were. If so, why they had to give me the third degree investigation, and why they had to make it such a big deal? It wasn't just because I fooled Enid for a few days; they hated the fact I was with a guy. They would rather see me with a big-breasted blonde chick, who knew nothing except make up, than with a guy, no matter now intelligent and smart he was. Viva la small difference.
I found comfort only in the remembrance of Isaac's protecting me. He's the oldest, the more reasonable one, as I learned through the years. I was a lot closer to him than to Taylor, and now it was the only good memory from home, how he stood up by my side, lay his hand on my shoulder and quietly, but strongly advised Taylor to shut his mouth and leave me alone. Not that it helped.
I prayed Enid wouldn't find out; but with Taylor, now I couldn't be sure. Heavens knew whether he'd call her and tell her, or Isaac would prevent it. I knew he knew she should not know a thing.
Chris' window was open; it was as if he knew I would come later that day. I climbed the tree and peeked into the room. He sat down on the floor against the wall, his eyes locked on the window. He waited for me. He knew I will come. He knew everything. At that minute, as our stares locked, I was sitting on the windowsill and he was sitting on the floor, I felt as though he was the only person in the world who wouldn't hurt me. He had so much compassion in his eyes. He had so much love reflecting in his every move, as he slowly stood up and walked to me, opening his arms and embracing me, he had so much understanding in his voice, as he whispered, "You can stay here for as long as you want."
It was only then when I could cry.