Chapter Thirteen
I didn't have to tell him any details. With his sharp senses and intuition, he had a blurry vision of what happened in his head, and he only asked me about the views my family had. As soon as I calmed down, I told him everything, although he didn't ask me. But he listened to every syllable. I needed to get it out of my system. I needed a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to me, as I, not really understandably, told him everything. But I knew he heard and got everything. He always had. It was just his nature.
"So what are you planning to do now?" he asked, when I finished my story.
"I don't really know. I need to stay away for a couple of days, until things calm down; then, I guess, I'll go home and won't give a fuck."
"I'll tell my mother we have a guest."
"What would she think?"
"She would think exactly what I'm going to tell her. What should I?"
"The truth? Although it didn't quite help lately."
"My mother simply told me my life should be lived the way I want them to. As long as I don't get in trouble. I'll tell her you're a friend. Otherwise she'd be shyer with you. She always did with my ex."
So I stayed, and spent my first night with Chris. Nothing happened. We both were too shaken for making love. All that happened is that I've fallen asleep when he held me tight against him, and we clenched to each other, like two drowning people, or, more correct, like a lifeguard trying to save a drowning kid. Drowning in the ocean of human stupidity. And I slept so peacefully, when through the night, I knew all along he was there, holding me, being there for me if I had a bad dream… I think kids feel less safe in their mothers' arms than I was in Chris'.
I guess he knew only too well what I was going through. It wasn't now about me having to figure out about my sexuality and motives, it was also about having to deal with them, the ones who couldn't let it slide and let me reach to my decisions without pressure and extreme urgency. I think if I were to walk to a gay nightclub and shout out loud the details of my situations, I would have been understood by all. At some point, right before I fell asleep, I thought, maybe that it the reason for gay community being so tight. They all shared their stories because they were so similar. Same feelings, I guess.
When I woke up, I saw him sitting near me and watching me. He smiled at me when I looked at him and the only thing he said was so precious. "I want you to remember, Zac, one thing," he said so quietly, maybe for fear he would be overheard, "that no matter what will happen, I love you."
It almost brought me to tears as he said it. Without saying a word, I hugged him, and as I did, I felt the best I ever did, hugging somebody. Chris… I don't know. He was just so incredible. He had this charisma and this power about him. He totally charmed me. He was like this guardian angel beside me, keeping me safe and peaceful when I sleep or when I awake, when I'm near or when I'm far; his presence was everywhere in my life since I've met him and almost fainted, and I was suddenly aware of it, just after he said he loved me.
And then… Late afternoon, almost evening, when I was reading and Chris was downstairs, talking to his parents, I had another storm hitting the already not quiet shore of my life. I heard the doorbell and only hoped they didn't have guests, because as a polite boy as I was, I then would have been forced to meet them, and I had no mood for meeting new people. I only managed a meeting with Chris' parents the night before, but they didn't ask too many questions. I think they understood everything they wanted to know by the sight of me. But those weren't just any visitors.
It was Enid.
Chris stormed into the room and looked at me, breathing heavily after running faster than the wind up the stairs and loudly whispered: "Enid is here. She wants to talk to you."
"What am I going to tell her?" I panicked.
"Well," he said, regaining his calmness, "I assume she only wants you to answer some questions, so the best way would be, providing her the biggest amount of truth you can and with the greatest carefulness."
"How does she look?"
"Her eyes are red," he said, and he didn't even need to call her. Just after he said that, she entered the room, and I saw her red eyes in front of mine. Her hair was messy, probably uncombed or maybe she was running all the way to here, and she wore one of her flowered dresses. She looked fragile than ever. But still, she looked graceful. More graceful than ever, now that she probably had a hit from life landing on her. But then, I didn't know what exactly she knew at the moment.
"Zac," she said quietly, "I accidentally overheard Taylor and Isaac talking about something. I thought to come over but when I was near the front yard, I heard them sitting and talking, outside. And I heard them talking about you. They were arguing. As I understood it, there is something going on between you and Chris, and Taylor saw you kissing. And stuff like that. I only want to know the truth." The truth. My sweet little Enid. It's not that I didn't love her anymore. It's just that I didn't know whom I loved more, her or Chris.
"You heard the truth, Enid." All that time, Chris was sitting with us, silently listening. Nobody asked him to leave, and I was only glad to have him there. I think he felt obligated to be there, as he had the role of 'the other woman' on our tale. "I'm sorry. It's bigger than me, Enid. I had it inside me, this urge to do what me and Chris have done. I couldn't fight it even when I knew how trashy my behavior was. And please, I know I cannot be forgiven for cheating, and this case is even more complicated, but I really want you not to abandon me now."
"Why are you here and not at home?"
"They are too shaken. I need to wait for them to calm down and absorb it. If I go back now, things will never relax. And they ask too many questions."
"I see.." she thought about it for a couple of minutes. I wanted to beg her to forgive me. My sweet little Enid. If I were to lose her now, after this fight with my family, I would go absolutely insane. I couldn't bear such a loss. Even now, when my feelings for Chris overwhelmed me, she still had an enormous place in my life, and this void could not be filled easily in case she drops me out of her life now. "Zac," suddenly she was near me, holding my hand, "what do you feel now?" I didn't understand the question; she probably saw it in my face expression. "What do you feel about yourself, about Chris, and about… me? Honestly." Now Chris expected an answer with the same tension in his face as Enid did.
"I think… I'm the same person. I can't feel any changes in myself, even though my life had been turned over. I'm the same Zac I saw in the mirror for the last fifteen years. Chris… He's wonderful. He's enchanting. That's the word that can describe him the best. I love him." A quick glance to his direction - a smile; a glance to hers - a few tears dropped from her cheeks on her lap, and I felt like jumping off a cliff. "And the last… Enid." She raised her face. "My sweet little Enid. That is the way I always called you in my heart. You are my angel. You are the best person in this world, you are one of a kind. Please, even if I love Chris, will you still be there for me? Because part of me, a big part, still loves you. I need you in my life, Enid. You have to forgive me… but I won't blame you if you say that it's not possible."
Her face was frozen as I spoke.