Chapter Fifteen
The next day went by peacefully, without any special events. I sort of expected somebody to call me, maybe Isaac, or Enid, because they had a way to reach me - Enid knew where I was and they could get a phone number or they could just drop by; I also thought Taylor would come and apologize, or at least tell me he misses me… Something? And it was painful to be aware of their silence towards me, as though I died or traveled so far they could not reach me. I was only half an hour walk away. I was here, in this goddamn city, and they could come and talk to me, for heaven's sake! I guess they didn't care enough. I wasn't talking about Enid - she proved her loyalty yesterday; it was Taylor I was mad at. And a little bit Isaac, too. They were my brothers. They were there for me always, and now it seemed odd that Isaac stood up for me but now he doesn't care enough to ask about me; odd that Taylor was so mad at me about lying to Enid, when she herself forgave me and was willing to be my friend; odd that I felt like an orphan, even if I weren't one.
Chris knew how I felt. He didn't try to make a conversation just to drag me out to the light from the deep hole of the depression. He left me with my own feelings of sadness, longing for my family, for my home, for my old, familiar life to be back. I never regretted for one single moment my affair with Chris; I truly loved him. I did. It wasn't something I thought would last for eternity, and I wasn't sure even about tomorrow, but I lived the moment - and every moment was filled with love, so I knew I loved him. The thing I regretted was… Non-existing. I didn't regret anything.
I realized I wasn't the bad guy here, when it came to the torn edges of the ropes that tied me to my family. And what a strong ropes they were… and I wasn't the one who took a knife and cut them, leaving holes in the spiderwebs of brotherly love and edges hanging out in the thick air of tension.
On day three of my living at Chris' we finally came out together. It wasn't by any means a sort of statement, it was just that we were tired of sitting around the house, although we liked the lying around his bed and kissing. But we needed some fresh air and some human faces around us, after I've been mopping for two days and he sat next to me, silently supporting me. So we went to catch a movie.
We managed to get in to some movie from a few months ago, that was still running on daytime - some French one, called "Pornographic relationship". It was about this couple who gets together just for sex and they fall in love as the time goes by. But they never end up actually together. Only because of a little misunderstanding, because she thought he didn't want it, when he wanted to marry her and all. Somehow, maybe as a result of the last days' events, I started making comparisons between my life and the movie. It was similar, a little, tiny bit, because between me and Chris the relationship also started as just sex and then we fell in love. It's just that with us, everything was faster.
"Today is a week anniversary to the day we've met," Chris said bluntly, as if repeating my thoughts. "Think of everything that has happened."
"A lot. Everything. Do you regret it?"
"Zac, I cannot regret it. I love you too much to regret our romance. You believe me?" He held my hand in the darkness of the movie theater. We had a few minutes until the movie's end by then.
"I do."
"I hate to see you like this, so low and so miserable."
"I hate to be like this."
"It's only a phase with your family. They are just shocked. They didn't feel it coming."
"It… Sounds like I've committed the crime of the century."
"Zac, it's hard, but…" He lowered his voice. There weren't many people in the place, and the ones who were, were talking almost in full voice, but he didn't want them to hear us. "At the beginning, it is the crime of the century for them. They feel their whole world has came crashing down, because they never think about it when they see your future, and like my mother told you, mothers don't wish it for their children. Some of them get used to it easily and quickly, some slowly and painfully for them and the kid, and some never do. I was lucky to have parents from the first category - you've got the second one. It's not the worst thing. Being a child to the third category, now, that is what's horrible."
"How do you know they're the second category?"
"Because they are only shocked of your lies. You told me yourself they were telling you it is okay… sort of… that I was a guy. I just… know. Trust me on that one."
Then the lights went on. I blinked a few times, adjusting my eyes to the suddenly too strong and too bright light, and we walked out with the crowd, that mostly consisted of six-graders and old people. This is the kind of crowd that goes to see the movie of four.
Somebody touched my shoulder when we were out, and I nearly choked with surprise when I turned around and faced the slightly flushed cheeks of Taylor. Chris heard me gasp and stood next to me, trying to understand Taylor's intentions by the look in his eyes. But he seemed civil. Even embarrassed, I might add.
"Hi," he said shyly. I didn't say anything. I didn't know what I could say to him now. It was real pity, because he was my brother… but… That was it between us. All I felt I could say was that he's a bastard. "Zac… You know, they want you to come home."
"And what about you, Taylor?" Chris asked.
"What about me… I want it too."
"You mean it?" I questioned. "Or were you forced to say it, because partly it's your fault that I ran away that day and mom and dad are mad at you? Because I have no intention to come home and feel your looks on my back, pierce my skin to the bones, and know you think I am something awful."
"Zac, I got so carried away that day. I don't know what got into me."
"Now, that's a lame excuse you're giving me." I certainly wasn't going to let him get out of it so easy. "I don't even know why you were so mad. Have I got a brother with homophobia?"
"God, Zac, you know it's not true!"
"How could he know?" Chris commented.
"Zac…please. You have no idea how worried mom and dad were. They had no idea where to find you, they were frantic, and I know it's all my fault because I shouldn't have let you deal with your own problems instead of taking care of it for you, when I even didn't have a full picture of the going on. It was only when Enid came over yesterday that they had calmed down. She told us where you were… and she gave me a decent shower of accusations."
"Go, Enid," I said bitterly.
"She is the one who made me realize I was a jerk. I mean… she said she forgave you. Then what was I doing, sitting around and thinking you were a criminal or something, when she's cool? I don't know, Zac. I was too stunned when I saw you two back then. It was like a cloud floating around my head, preventing me from seeing straight. I'm glad Enid has given me an eye-opener."
Enid. My sweet little Enid. Again, I felt the powerful image of hers being beside me, just like it has always been when she was pulling me out of black holes of desperation; how she, at the first sight the most fragile creature on this planet, was revealing to be a rock we could all lean on the minute trouble was knocking on the door. Even now, she cared for me.
Taylor looked at me pleadingly. Was he really sorry or was it a trick?