Chapter Nine
My sweet little Enid had developed some kind of flu; I discovered it two days later, when came to her, to check if I could still look her in the eye. There was no contact between the two of us during those two days, being the result of our schoolwork - we were on overload. On day three, I went to her house, only to find her in her bed, still attractively smiling at me from under the covers, as I sat beside her bed and touched her cheek. She reached her hand and took mine, then kissed my palm. "Love you," she whispered.
I leaned to kiss her; it was a reflex, something I was so used to do by now it was as natural as breathing. But she turned her face away and rounded her eyes. "Zac, I'm contagious."
"I could use some sickness now, as a matter of fact."
"Yeah, and then we could be lying like this together," she laughed. It was just one of those things she was saying, always thinking of us as whole, as not two people being a couple but two halves being one. It was the power of love, and devotion, and dedication of one to her lover. She also used to look up at me, and I don't mean the fact she's much shorter than me; it was as though she saw me as a miracle, as some lone angel who escaped his heaven to be with her; and her duty now was to make his brief visit to her life as pleasant as possible, and then, maybe, he'd stay a little bit longer than planned. The truth was, she was the angelic creature in our relationship; I was the one who should thank heavens. Enid never knew how to appreciate herself, she never understood her value, greater than the whole world, she was modest on the verge of low self esteem.
"Enid, what do you think about same sex couples?" I asked, and wanted to slap myself. I didn't intend to shoot that question. If not else, I was basically scared to know that side of her views and opinions, now that I had a homosexual encounter in my resume.
"I think they're okay," she said, lacking any expression. "Why?"
"I don't know. Just… Something to talk about. I mean, if I'm here, I'd rather keep you interested in the conversation, so I came up with the subject, because it's something that can be talked about for a long time, but if you don't want to talk about it, I'll come up with something else…"
"Zac, hey, relax." Her hand gently caressed my shoulder. "You don't need to entertain me. I am pleased only with the fact you're here. Nice of you to visit me. My friends haven't bothered."
"You know that I love you." The question is, did I know that? I told her that, fully meaning every syllable, but just a couple of days ago I cheated on her.
She drifted away to sleep; I sat near her, looked at her, thought about how naive she looked, taking every single piece of attention and making it look as if you've made the biggest news with this charity case and kindness of yours. Girls of her kind were rare to none in our world now. She was one of those fragile flowers, who live fully dedicated to people they love, who die greatly loved and who are missed after their death, and remembered years and even centuries from their time. But maybe I was only idolizing her, because I felt so guilty, and knowing how amazing she is just made it worse.
I should tell her; I should confess and ask for her forgiveness, I should let her know what I've done. But - I didn't regret one single movement in his bed, one single kiss, one single touch, and that was what made the thought of telling her so unbearable. I had to confess it as though it was a sin, as though I've done something so wrong, when the truth is, I felt right. I felt everything was in its place with what has to do with Chris.
As much as I tried not to think of Enid while being with Chris, or not to think about Chris while being with Enid, it wasn't working. Both of those people had a role in my life that great and important it couldn't be ignored, despite the fact that Enid was here for two years, one and a half of them as my girlfriend, and Chris was around for four days, already becoming my lover. But each and every little thing suddenly mattered so much now, in my relationship with Enid or my encounters with Chris. Every little thing was considered and thought of over and over again. I tried to look for hidden clues, for answers, for signs, for things to have some different meaning, just to know what I was and who I was, and why I was so drawn to Chris. I mean, it could be many things - he said it himself. He listed the assumptions, but I was the one who had to think and made a decision, and know. And how do you know? He said it kicks you in the ass or something like that. So I waited for it to kick me in the ass. I waited and I waited, sitting there near the bed of my sleeping girlfriend, waiting to know, was I gay, bisexual, curious or horny?
I kind of wanted to tell her. She was my best friend, after all. She would have understood and supported me. If only she hadn't been my girlfriend in addition to being my best friend. I mean, how do you tell your girlfriend, who happens to be the best thing in your life, what I had to tell her? I wanted her to hold me in her arms and put my head on her shoulder, just like I used to do it with my mother at kindergarten age, and tell her that this is what I've done, and this is what I need to figure out, and can you please be here for me and help me? But this fact of her being my girlfriend changed it - she would only see the fact I made out with some guy…
I can't lie and say, that in that very moment I hadn't had the thought of breaking up crossing my mind. Only for a tiny bit of a second. Then I glanced at her, sleeping so peacefully, and then I reached a decision - I would just keep my mouth shut. She doesn't have to know. There isn't much to know anyway!
I had thoughts about possibilities, such as: if I figure out I was only curious or horny, she is never going to know; if I am bisexual, just maybe, because if I'm with her, why does she need to know I, supposively, like guys; if I'm gay… If I'm gay, I'm going to give her the worst heartbreak she is ever going to have.
"Always thinking about something," she murmured, waking up. "Why are you so concerned? What is that, bothering you so much?"
"Nothing, sweet. Just everyday life."
"Can I help?"
Oh, dear, you can, you sure can; but I love you. That is why I won't let you help me with that one. "No, Enid, you shouldn't worry yourself. It's really nothing. Everyday life."
"Your everyday life makes you look like the whole world's weight is on your shoulders, and frankly, Zac, I think you've just told me a lie." I froze. She sees me right through or what is it? I always considered myself a pretty good liar; then how can she see the difference? "I assume it should be kept as a secret information, either that, either you've done something so bad, that I don't wanna think about it. Otherwise you wouldn't have lied to me now."
"I…"
"No, Zac… I trust you. You know that. I trust you that what bothers you, is none of my business. It's probably something that has to do something with your family, or, I don't know, just something that is none of my business. I mean, I know you'd never do something in purpose to hurt me. It was just a white lie you've just told me, right?"
"Right…" And I felt like hugging her and crying, and telling her not to be so kind and nice, and learn the simplest and painful fact of life - people are not to be fully trusted, even the ones you love, and I wanted so much to protect her, because her innocence and naivete were to cause her pain one of those days, and I wanted to have her holding me and saying she forgives me and she loves me… In those moments of confusion, she seemed the only sane person in my reality, the only one who could make it all be reasonable again and make some order in the mess in my head. How I loved her now and how I wanted her not to see me as a symbol of perfection, this heavenly creature. I'd rather have her screaming at me and cursing. I didn't deserve her blind faith in me.
I wanted Chris. I wanted him to talk about her, to explain me things about that situation I was in. I him.